On Exercise: Run away! Run away!

It seems like I shouldn't be attempting a post on something that I can't do at the moment.  For the last three days, I've been stuck in bed with the plague.

 

This guy just came to my house yelling "Bring out your dead"

 Not really the plague... just a truly awful head cold.  I tried to do some exercise.  I really did.  It's just that, when getting out of bed is a harrowing ordeal, going for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood becomes a task of Herculean proportions.  And attempting my usual battery of sit-ups is a really good way to become incredibly disoriented.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I started exercising regularly about six weeks ago, with a program called Couch To 5k that a few friends directed me to.  It's a good starting point, but I quickly learned that not everyone can follow it.  At least I couldn't.  Maybe I just fail miserably at running, but by the time I hit Week 3, I was noticeably behind schedule.  I mean, I was proud of myself on the first day when I managed to jog for an entire minute without dying.  Week 3 came along, expecting me to jog for three minutes and my fat ass could not do it.  Also, my time to distance ratio was not matching up with the site's, which meant that I was supposed to be running faster.  So I started to deviate from it a bit.  Instead of following their carefully constructed routine that I'm sure is scientifically proven by people who went to school to become nutritionists and personal trainers, I decided to do something a little most simplistic.  Just run.  As fast as you can, as far as you can.

Basically, this

 

 

 

 

So that's what I do now.  If I'm on my treadmill, I cover up the time and distance monitors so I have no idea how far or how long I'm running.  If I'm running around my neighborhood, it requires a bit more psychological willpower.  I have to refrain from using things as markers or goals because then my brain will decide that it's done running once I hit said marker, so as I get closer, fatigue sets in and my legs don't want to work anymore.  Because my brain is a jerk like that.  The downside is that I have no idea what kind of progress I'm making, if any.  But eventually, I'll be able to run the entire distance around my block, which is exactly one mile.  I realize that's not impressive for most people, but for someone who never did anything under a 12-minute mile in P.E. in the entirety of my time at grade school (and the 12-minute mile was probably in 6th grade to begin with), running that distance without having to stop for a walking break is sort of a big deal.

When I started six weeks ago, I was running every other day.  Then, about three weeks ago, I noticed something.  While I was getting noticeably smaller, my midsection was still a problem.  When I'm standing, I just look unpleasantly squishy around the stomach region.  When I sit, my midsection looks like it should be sorting British children into Gryffindor.

I want to go to whichever house has all the donuts!

Since I'm not well-versed in whatever new-fangled exercises the kids are doing these days, I went with an old standard: sit-ups.  I started doing them on the days I wasn't running.  So I was doing that for about two weeks, alternating running and sit-ups.  But then I realized that I'm going to be on a crazy adventure in the UK and Ireland in two months and I'm going to be going to bars and meeting people and I don't want to be some fat American broad.  I want to be a fairly attractive American broad, or, at the very least, the American broad who is slightly more attractive than the average UK broad.  Or, better yet, the hot chick in the bar who has good taste in beer and doesn't sound like a moron, so who cares where she's from, let's hang out with her.  So I combined the two.  I go around the neighborhood or do a mile on the treadmill, followed by approximately 70 sit-ups.  Sometimes more, sometime 5-10 less, depending on what my ab muscles want to let me get away with.  I have a couple of t-shirts that are slightly too small at the moment, but will look fabulous on me once my stomach has retreated.  Everyone who wants to lose weight should have some "goal" clothing.  Not a whole wardrobe... just an article or two relevant to your specific problem area.  Just something you have to remind you not to get impatient and not to give up.

The only lesson Tim Allen ever taught anyone: Never give up. Never surrender.

And that's what I do on a daily basis.  You know, when I don't have the consumption.*  But as soon as I start to feel better, I'll be back to it.  In the meantime, I'm going to drink lots of fluids, get lots of sleep, and take so much cold medication that even my liver will start hallucinating.  I should get on that.  See you next time!

*I don't actually have the consumption, on account of  me not living in 1897.